Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
