Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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