you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its not stalking. its research.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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