I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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