the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
