dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think I won the penis lottery.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
