how can u be prego again
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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