You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
