Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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