I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
we're so committed to being not committed
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
