I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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