super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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