i was born a porn star she said
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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