I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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