Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
