omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
