I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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