Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
