I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
