The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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