I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
