My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
