After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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