I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
