this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
