life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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