I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
