This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
