I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
