I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
