Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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