I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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