if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
