you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am one with the molecules
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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