Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
