What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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