I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
