I got chris browned last night
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
