Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
