Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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