You can't motorboat a personality
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
