i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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