I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dignity is for republicans.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
