All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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