K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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