How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
