Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
