dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
