Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
