I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
