They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
