I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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