she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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