i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No...this little piggys going to the bar
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
